Whatever the Heck We Want: The AHHHHH edition.

GUYS.

GUYS.

GUYS.

Bachelor Pad is back! IT’S BACK. It’s called Bachelor in Paradise, but it’s basically Bachelor Pad and you can read all about it here.

We’re so excited, we can’t even. We just can’t. We cannot. We can no longer communicate in words, so we are resorting to gifs. Because words just will not suffice at this juncture.

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Whatever the Heck We Want: Grading Juan Pablo

Well, this post should be pretty simple. Grading Juan Pablo as The Bachelor … hmm, well, let’s see. HE SUCKED.

Done. Thanks for reading! See you guys in May!

No, we’re totally kidding. Not about the Juan Pablo sucking part … he does suck. He totally sucks. The Earth won’t even suck him because he sucks so bad. We were kidding about the being done with this post part. We’re not done. We have much more to say.

Now that this season is finally over (thank God), we thought we’d put a nice, neat little bow on the whole thing … well, as nice and as neat as it can get for such a horribly messy season. Also, we’re doing this because we want one last chance to just word vomit everything we think about Juan Pablo — and then we will close the book on this horrible chapter in The Bachelor’s history forever (or at least until we need to bring it up again to remind everyone what a dingbat Juan Pablo is). So, let’s get to it:

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After the Final Rose: Chris vs. Juan Pablo

Guys, it’s finally here.

The LAST HOUR of Juan Pablo’s season. Seriously. The end is near. The light is at the end of the tunnel. It’s. Finally. Over.

This wasn’t an easy journey. In fact, sometimes it felt like Chris Harrison was dragging a kicking, screaming toddler from the local Toys ‘R’ Us without letting him pick a treat. Sometimes, he was dragging drunk toddler (Victoria) or a crying one (Lauren. Both of them). But, alas, here we are. The final rose has been given out, and now, it’s time to hear about the happily ever after.

Or is it?
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The Finale: Thank God that’s over

Wow. Just wow.

This is easily the most dramatic, redonkulous, jaw-dropping, unbelievable finale of The Bachelor that we’ve seen in years. Usually, we, the Bachelor Burn Book writers, always have something to say. Always. But on Monday night, that was not the case. Minutes would go by without us saying a single word to each other because our mouths were completely ajar. Just, hanging wide open, as we sat there in disbelief at what was unfolding on our TV screen.

Thankfully, we’ve had a few days to partially recover from the madness that was The Bachelor Finale, so hopefully, we’ll be able to put together a few coherent sentences for this recap. We is going to try our best.

Join us, as we relive the very strange, horrible, confusing nightmare that we all watched on Monday night…

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The Finale: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 27 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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The Finale: Burning Questions

Woke up this morning feeling like P.Diddy. it was Christmas in March.

A few weeks ago, we were begging to be at the finale. BEGGING. We couldn’t take another second of Juan Pablo as the Bachelor. We couldn’t hear another “ess OK.” We couldn’t stand the thought of him stroking someone’s face again. We really, really couldn’t take watching him make out with these contestants in the most nasty way possible.
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But now, we’re right on the cusp of the Bachelor finale. It’s HAPPENING, guys. In like, just a few hours. And come 11 p.m. tonight, we’re staring down a lonely, sad, months-long hiatus before the Bachelorette begins. So, yeah, we feel like it’s Christmas, because on one hand, the waiting for this season to end is over. And on the other hand, well, it’s still over. And even though we’re going to be receiving the gift of Juan Pablo exiting our TV screens FOREVER (or at least, after a round of talk show interviews over the next couple of weeks), that still means that another holiday Bachelor season is in the books and we are back to normal life when there is nothing to watch on television on Mondays.

Until then, we’re going to spend some time guessing what is in those little packages under the tree going to happen in tonight’s finale in the final installment of Burning Questions for Juan Pablo’s season.
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Whatever the Heck We Want: Interview with Lucy Aragon

She’s funny, she’s a hippie and she’s almost always naked.

That’s right. We’re talking about everyone’s favorite free spirit – Lucy Aragon. Despite Lucy’s brief stint on The Bachelor this season, Lucy seemed to have quite the impression on Bachelor Nation. Whether she was topless in the hot tub or skipping around in her bare feet, Lucy was constantly making us laugh. And after her time on The Bachelor, that didn’t change.

On Monday night during Women Tell All, Lucy shared with us a video of an original song she wrote called The Bachelor Reject Anthem. Obvs, it’s hilarious, and it perfectly sums up Juan Pablo’s season.

 

We had the chance to chat with Lucy about her video and ask her a few questions about The Bachelor too. Check out the interview below, as Lucy dishes on everything from her conversations with Juan Pablo to funny stories that we didn’t get to see on TV … and she even tells us whether she’d consider going on Bachelor Pad.

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Women Tell All: Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by Juan Pablo

Um, that would be EVERYONE.

Also, a note … do y’all KNOW how long we’ve been waiting to use that Mean Girls quote for this post? Pretty much since we started hating Juan Pablo, which was like, a month ago.  A MONTH. And we can’t describe how exciting it is to see people tweeting us that joke like all of you were on Monday night! We are all on the same wavelength and you can TOTALLY sit with us! Seriously, we’ll just squash all the cafeteria tables together and have a big Bachelor powwow. It’ll be awesome.

Anyways, just as we all collectively thought of that Mean Girls quote when everyone started to hate Juan Pablo, the women on the Women Tell All used their allotted time to collectively hate Juan Pablo. And, boy, did they let him have it on Monday. Did he care? No. But we’re still going to break down the whole thing for your enjoyment.

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Women Tell All: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 27 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Women Tell All: Burning Questions

Thank God Juan Pablo is the Bachelor.

Yes, you read that right. We are actually thankful that Juan Pablo is the Bachelor. Why? Because Women Tell All would be hella boring if he wasn’t. Without him, whom would all the women direct their anger toward tonight? It certainly wouldn’t be at each other because they basically all became BFFs and sang Kumbaya by the Bachelor Mansion pool together every day. Soo, that pretty much eliminates the possibility of any major fighting between the women during the show. Womp womp.

Thankfully, that’s where Juan Pablo comes in. For the first time in probably, well … forever, the women of this show will stop calling each other sluts and whores and collectively direct their anger toward the man they all had originally hoped to fall in love with (or at least makeout with). My, oh my, how quickly things have changed.

Since Juan Pablo seems to have pissed off most of the women, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Women Tell All has been saved. The drama lives on. Tears will be shed, and hatred will be spewed. Hallelujah!

Could you imagine if these girls had all ended up on Sean Lowe’s season? There would be crickets tonight. Nobody would have anything rude or insensitive to say—to each other or to the Bachelor—which means there would be NO JUDGE-Y FACES from the audience. THE HORROR. The producers would have to start spreading fake rumors just so that something interesting would happen. But, thankfully, we are not in that dreadful situation. So, to get you prepared for all the dramz that is sure to unfold, here are our Burning Questions for tonight’s Women Tell All:

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