After the Final Rose: Well, that’s not ideal

Alright, folks, you have waited patiently for it, and now it is here—our After the Final Rose recap. And boy, is it going to be a doozy.

Most seasons, the After the Final Rose special is just your average, run-of-the-mill Bachelor update show. The newly-engaged couple is obnoxiously happy and PDA-ing it up on national television, Bachelor Burn Book Writer #1 cries, Chris Harrison says something skeezy, things get awkward between the Bachelor and the sad woman he rejected, and then we celebrate the announcement of the new Bachelorette!

But this time, none of that happened (except for the whole Chris Harrison saying something skeezy part, because that always happens). Everything changed. What is usually a joyous and mildly awkward occasion turned into a giant cluster. An absolute shitstorm erupted. The world exploded. Bachelor Nation lost its frickin’ mind. By the end of the episode, pretty much every person watching cared exactly zero percent about Chris and Whitney—or even remembered who they were.

And we are here to recap all the madness. Because someone has to document this two Bachelorette debacle. But first, let’s start at the beginning—you know, the 55 boring minutes of the episode.

To the recap!

Continue reading

The Finale: Soulesmates

Is it just us or did this season of the Bachelor go by super fast? I mean, we can’t be the only ones who feel like it was just yesterday we were laughing about the magnificence that was Ashley S.

Actually, that might have been yesterday. We marvel at Ashley S. and her buckets of crazy quite often these days. Still, the point remains: it feels like this season went by really quickly. As we reflect on the Prince Farming edition of the Bachelor, we must admit that although this season started off in a very promising fashion (those first two installments were basically the best two of the franchise in any cycle, ever), it gave way to a lackluster finish. Eventually, the crazy ladies were weeded out (although, thankfully, it took our dear Bachelor a while to do it) and the normal ones were left. That’s fine, but it doesn’t make for a particularly interesting finale.

Nonetheless, we got what we asked for as viewers: a romantic proposal, even if it did take place in a barn that we suspect smelled like pig feces. This leaves us with just one more final task before the Book closes down shop for a few months before the Bachelorette (which, man, do we have a lot to say about THAT) begins — recapping the finale and the After the Final Rose special. We’ve broken them down into two separate posts, so make sure to come back to check out the absolute final recap of Hot Farmer Chris’ Bachelor season.

And now, the recap:
Continue reading

The Finale: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 27 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

Continue reading

Power Rankings: Picking the Next Bachelorette

She’s pretty.

That girl is SO boring. A total snoozefest.

She’s so funny—and snarky too.

That girl’s a scum-sucking road whore.

One time, I heard she made out with a hot dog.

If you’re wondering what we’re doing, no, we’re not making entries in the Bachelor Burn Book. These are just a few of the things we’ve heard you all say about some of the women being considered for The Bachelorette. (Well, except for the scum-sucking road whore one, and also the whole making-out-with-a-hot-dog thing—those were just for dramatic effect.)

BUT, never mind that. The point here is that, we have heard a lot of different opinions on who the next Bachelorette should be. In fact, we don’t remember a time when everyone’s been so divided. Usually, by this point, there’s a pretty clear consensus on who it should be. But not this year. This year, the debate is rampant. You all are out of control, and you refuse to simmer down. Some of you want Kaitlyn because she’s funny, others like Jade because she’s sweet and shy, and some of you even want Britt for reasons we do not understand.

Screen shot 2015-03-03 at 11.59.19 AM

But we are here to cut through the noise and throw our two cents into the pot. Since there’s no new Power Rankings this week, we thought we’d rank the top five people we’d like to see as the next Bachelorette. And if you don’t agree with us, well, boo you whore. We’re gonna tell you what we think anyway.

So, without further ado, we present to you a special edition of our Power Rankings.

Continue reading

Women Tell All: Ashley S. returns

We’re too tired to write an intro for this. It’s been a long season, and what happened during Women Tell All is far more interesting than any introduction we could write, so ….here ya go.

Continue reading

Women Tell All: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 27 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

Continue reading

Week 8: Power Rankings

Well, here we are, folks … the final two.

It has been a long and glorious season filled with onion-picking, drunk-twerking, zombie-hunting, name-calling, backstabbing and fake-panic-attacking. We’ve watched the group travel to exotic locales like Deadwood and shed blood, sweat and tears all in the name of love. (Well, there wasn’t any blood—but there was a fake panic attack, which is close enough. And there really was a lot of sweat (see: Bali episode) and tears (see: every episode).

Ashley I

Now, after eight weeks of nonsense, shenanigans and debauchery, our beloved Bachelor has somehow managed to stop sighing long enough to choose his final two women. And while Chris might be concerned with who he’s going to pick, we’re more concerned about his proposal.

In case you haven’t noticed, Chris isn’t exactly the most eloquent, well-spoken Bachelor we’ve ever had, so we’re not quite sure how he’s going to string together enough complete sentences for a proposal when he can barely string together six words in normal, everyday life. We’re fairly certain it’s going to be awkward and sound something like this:  “You … and I … you know … I guess … a maybe um … will you … I mean, obviously I…”

But we digress. For now, we’ll focus on the whole who-he’s-going-to-choose part and worry about him stammering out a proposal later. On to the final Power Rankings we go!

Continue reading

Week 8: The Bachelor goes to Bali

After a promising crop of crazy contestants, we are now down to three. And unfortunately, these three are the some of the sanest ones from Chris’ original crop of 30.

But that doesn’t necessarily make for bad TV, because we’ve still got a career-driven nurse, a virgin and a Canadian who offered to let Chris plow her field still competing for the Hot Farmer’s affections.

And then, of course, we’ve got the Bachelor, who spends most of his time either kissing or sweating, which leaves very little time for soul-searching and decision-making.

In other words, don’t tap out of this Bachelor season just yet. It’s fantasy suite time and Chris is (allegedly) no closer to figuring out who is going to move to Iowa with him than Chris Harrison is to actually doing legitimate work this season.

To the recap!

Continue reading

Week 8: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 30 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

Continue reading

Week 7: Power Rankings

And just like that, we’re down to three…

Man, can you believe how fast this season went by? We feel like we say that every season, but for real, this season went by faster than Cady can cross-multiply to figure out what percentage of calories come from fat.

One minute, we were nearly dying of laughter watching Ashley S. rummage through the bushes looking for an onion, and the next minute, we’re on to the fantasy suite dates.

Onion girl

With the two-episode-five-hour-mega-marathon-extravaganza-that-made-us-miss-the-SNL40-special, more than half of the remaining girls got axed in a matter of days and were packing their bags to go be on GMA. And now, just three girls remain—and they’re all half-normal and not crazy, stupid, dramatic or orange. Which is a real win in Chris’ book.

So, how do we think these three girls rank in Chris’ mind? If you read our Power Rankings—which conveniently start right after this sentence—you’ll find out:

Continue reading