Men Tell All: Chris Harrison escapes Ireland

In a world full of turmoil, there is but one thing that is constant.

Every summer, a new Bachelorette (or sometimes two, when network executives lose their ever-lovin’ minds) will be chosen. Every summer, a gaggle of gentlemen will compete for her affection. And every summer in late July, we will congregate around our televisions and watch those men bicker like schoolchildren as they pretend to care about the woman that stomped all over their hearts, and try to desperately salvage their reputations so they can get laid in their hometowns.

On a day like Monday, when we were mourning the breakup of Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton, we needed that constant. We needed that comfort. And, like all the summers before this one and all the summers for the rest of time, the Men Tell All delivered.

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Men Tell All: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelorette-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 25 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Week 9: Power Rankings

We feel like we say this every year (because we do), but this season has gone by so fast. It seems like just last week we were watching Tony the Healer whine about wanting to go to the f**king zoo. And now here we are, down to the final two—Shawn and Nick.

This certainly has been one heck of a dramatic season—dare we say, the most dramatic EVER. It was just one thing after another week after week, and half the time, we actually forgot the purpose of the show was for Kaitlyn to find a husband. We were too busy worrying about Brokeback Bachelors, illicit sexcapades and irregular rose ceremonies.

And speaking of illicit sexcapades, Kaitlyn definitely made her fair share of mistakes this season as well. But the good news is that she’s learned some valuable lessons from all of those screw-ups:

Calling somebody else fat won’t make you any skinnier. Shaving half of somebody’s head won’t make you any prettier.

Joshua's shaved head

Calling someone stupid doesn’t make you any smarter. Having an illicit sexcapade with someone doesn’t make you feel any better.

Kaitlyn feels good about it all

And ruining Regina George’s life telling Shawn three weeks into the season that he was the one definitely didn’t make her any happier.

Kaitlyn crying

All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.

And that’s exactly what Kaitlyn is trying to do. Will she pick Shawn, or will she pick Nick? That is the problem. And we can honestly say that this is the first season in a while where we feel like it could go either way. We really aren’t sure who she’s going to pick. And Kaitlyn seems very torn—which means we might just be lucky enough to see another Mesnick this season.

the-mesnick

Or at the very least, Kaitlyn could end up crying on a dock for nine hours. Both would be equally as satisfying.

des-crying-on-dock

So, who do we think Kaitlyn is going to choose? We don’t know, so we flipped a coin for this week’s Power Rankings:

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Week 9: Worst. Fight. Ever.

IT’S ABOUT TO GO DOWN.

Or at least, so we thought.

Last week, just as Shawn ventured off to confront Nick, we were left with the dreaded “To Be Continued…” screen.

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We hate that screen. If we met that screen in real life, we would punch it in the face, kick it while it was down and yell, “CONTINUE THAT, JERKFACE,” while it writhed in pain on the ground.

Unfortunately, we will not meet the “To Be Continued…” screen in real life, because it is a screen and not a real thing. But the point still stands — that screen is stupid and has been completely overused this season. Every time we see it, we spend the next 166 hours building up the next episode in our heads, pondering what could possibly be so incredibly eventful that it merits a “To Be Continued…” And every time, the answer is nothing. Nothing merits a “To Be Continued…,” not even a Shawn and Nick spat.

But don’t take our word for it. We’ll recap it all, horrible fight and all, for ya right now.
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Week 9: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelorette-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 25 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Week 8: Power Rankings

Well, here we are … the final three. Usually, by this point in the season, the drama is centered around the fantasy suite dates and who the Bachelorette is going to choose.

But that is not the case this season. Heck, we’ve barely even had time to think about who Kaitlyn is going to choose. Kaitlyn probably hasn’t even thought about who she’s going to choose—because the drama has been focused on two people: Shawn and Nick.

These two literally want to kill each other, and this week, it might actually happen. This passive-aggressive rivalry is about to come to blows, and you better believe we will be sitting in a front row seat with our popcorn ready, watching it all go down.

Prepare yourselves, because this is going to be one heck of a throwdown. In fact, this could go down as one of the greatest throwdowns in all of Bachelor history. It could rank up there with some of our all-time favorites, including:

“I know what you did.”

kelsey-staredown

Ah yes, who could forget the Kelsey vs. Kardashley throwdown while they were sitting on a bed in the middle of the Badlands? When Kelsey caught wind that Kardashley was talking about her behind her back (because Soules told her, of course), Kelsey gave her the most frightening look we have ever seen. There were no words. She just stared her down. And then, she said it: “I. Know. What. You. Did.” Classic.

“I CAN’T CONTROL MY EYEBROW.”

Yasssssss, the Tierra vs. AshLee fight will forever be one of our all-time favorites. It was great. Five straight minutes of incessant yelling and screaming over each other, ending with the greatest line in the history of The Bachelor: “I can’t control my eyebrow! I cannot control what’s on my face 24/7! My face would get frickin’ tired!” LOLZ. Oh, Tierra. Don’t let those girls take your sparkle away.

“Did you pay for it? Did you sleep here?”

Clare

The Clare vs. Nikki showdown is seriously the GOAT. Watching two grown-ass women go back and forth for a full 60 seconds saying, “Did you pay for it? Did you sleep here?” makes us cackle with glee. Nothing will ever top this. The Clare-and-Nikki rivalry shall live on as the greatest ever.

So, where will Nick and Shawn’s throwdown rank among the all-time greats? We’ll find out this week, but for now, let’s see where Shawn and Nick (and Ben H.) rank in this week’s Power Rankings:

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Week 8: The tensest tinkle

This Bachelorette season has officially gone to the birds.

We’ve got this two Bachelorette nonsense hanging over the season. Chris Harrison isn’t even showing up for work anymore. If we’re lucky enough to get a rose ceremony, it’s happening between 8:42  and 9:08 p.m. Kaitlyn has abandoned the Fantasy Suite structure and is creating her own boom boom room whenever she wants, which is fine, but also very confusing to the overall flow of the Bachelorette season.

In short, we don’t know what the heck is going on. This is the weirdest television season we have ever witnessed and let us assure you, we watch A LOT of TV.


Has it been a bad season? Nah. But is it the Bachelorette franchise we have come to know and love? Not in the slightest.

As we have said every single week this season, this is what happens when you abandon the rules. You get chaos. Can beautiful relationships be born out of chaos? Of course! We hope that that happens. But until then, we will continue to sort through the muck that is the 2015 Bachelorette season because we must. And therefore, this week, like all the weeks before it and all the weeks afterwards, forever and ever amen, we will recap these shenanigans. Because although this season has gone to the birds, it is still our bird.

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Week 8: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelorette-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 25 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Week 7: Power Rankings

So, can anybody explain to us what the heck we watched on Monday night? Because we don’t have an effing clue.

That was seriously one of the most bizarre episodes we have ever seen. It felt like one giant subtweet, where everybody was talking about everybody else without anybody ever actually confronting each other. And then things just went completely off the rails, and we were sitting there like, “What are we even watching right now?”

We still do not have the answer to that question, so naturally, the only way we can describe this episode is through pictures and gifs:

regina-george-whispering

is-this-real-life

What. A. Debacle. And it’s only going to get more ridiculous next week.

But before we get too far ahead of ourselves here, let’s see how the remaining guys shake out in this week’s Power Rankings:

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Week 7: So many sadz

Remember that time Kaitlyn got down with Nick before the Fantasy Suite dates? And remember how Shawn didn’t get a rose and was going to talk to Kaitlyn about it and she was freaking out because she thought he knew about the boinking?
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Oh, you do? Good. Because that’s where this episode begins — with Kaitlyn fixin’ to word vomit everything about her night with Nick to Shawn. Lovely.

Now that we’re all on the same page, let’s get to the good stuff, shall we?
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