Women Tell All: Ashley S. returns

We’re too tired to write an intro for this. It’s been a long season, and what happened during Women Tell All is far more interesting than any introduction we could write, so ….here ya go.

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Women Tell All: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 27 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Week 8: Power Rankings

Well, here we are, folks … the final two.

It has been a long and glorious season filled with onion-picking, drunk-twerking, zombie-hunting, name-calling, backstabbing and fake-panic-attacking. We’ve watched the group travel to exotic locales like Deadwood and shed blood, sweat and tears all in the name of love. (Well, there wasn’t any blood—but there was a fake panic attack, which is close enough. And there really was a lot of sweat (see: Bali episode) and tears (see: every episode).

Ashley I

Now, after eight weeks of nonsense, shenanigans and debauchery, our beloved Bachelor has somehow managed to stop sighing long enough to choose his final two women. And while Chris might be concerned with who he’s going to pick, we’re more concerned about his proposal.

In case you haven’t noticed, Chris isn’t exactly the most eloquent, well-spoken Bachelor we’ve ever had, so we’re not quite sure how he’s going to string together enough complete sentences for a proposal when he can barely string together six words in normal, everyday life. We’re fairly certain it’s going to be awkward and sound something like this:  “You … and I … you know … I guess … a maybe um … will you … I mean, obviously I…”

But we digress. For now, we’ll focus on the whole who-he’s-going-to-choose part and worry about him stammering out a proposal later. On to the final Power Rankings we go!

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Week 8: The Bachelor goes to Bali

After a promising crop of crazy contestants, we are now down to three. And unfortunately, these three are the some of the sanest ones from Chris’ original crop of 30.

But that doesn’t necessarily make for bad TV, because we’ve still got a career-driven nurse, a virgin and a Canadian who offered to let Chris plow her field still competing for the Hot Farmer’s affections.

And then, of course, we’ve got the Bachelor, who spends most of his time either kissing or sweating, which leaves very little time for soul-searching and decision-making.

In other words, don’t tap out of this Bachelor season just yet. It’s fantasy suite time and Chris is (allegedly) no closer to figuring out who is going to move to Iowa with him than Chris Harrison is to actually doing legitimate work this season.

To the recap!

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Week 8: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 30 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Week 7: Power Rankings

And just like that, we’re down to three…

Man, can you believe how fast this season went by? We feel like we say that every season, but for real, this season went by faster than Cady can cross-multiply to figure out what percentage of calories come from fat.

One minute, we were nearly dying of laughter watching Ashley S. rummage through the bushes looking for an onion, and the next minute, we’re on to the fantasy suite dates.

Onion girl

With the two-episode-five-hour-mega-marathon-extravaganza-that-made-us-miss-the-SNL40-special, more than half of the remaining girls got axed in a matter of days and were packing their bags to go be on GMA. And now, just three girls remain—and they’re all half-normal and not crazy, stupid, dramatic or orange. Which is a real win in Chris’ book.

So, how do we think these three girls rank in Chris’ mind? If you read our Power Rankings—which conveniently start right after this sentence—you’ll find out:

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Week 7: Baby makin’ and hometowns

We’re just gonna say it: Five hours of the Bachelor is batcrap crazy. It might be batcrap crazier than any of the contestants this season– and given the batch of lunatics they compiled for this season, that’s saying something.

We fretted over what to do with this recap. Scrap it altogether? Recap just one episode?  We knew we couldn’t recap both of them. We have places to go, people to see, real jobs to do and other TV shows to watch. So what could we do?

And therefore, we introduce what we’d like to call the rapid recap. We’re hittin’ the high points here, people. Consider this our middle finger for making us miss the SNL40 special. (We DVR’d it, but STILL.)

The rapid recap is pretty self-explanatory — we’re condensing five hours into a standard recap because ain’t nobody got time to watch that whole thing again. And if we’re not gonna watch the whole five hours again, we sure as heck aren’t writing a super-long intro. So let’s gooooooooooooo y’all!

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Week 7, Part 2: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 30 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

Continue reading

Week 7, Part 1: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 30 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

Continue reading

Week 6: Power Rankings

Jambo!

After our brief Power Rankings hiatus, we have returned once again to resume our favorite pastime—judging the women and all of their crazy shenanigans.

But first, we would like to start off this edition of Power Rankings with a shortened version of The Glen Cocos. Now, if you’re new here or just forgot, The Glen Cocos was an old segment we did where we would hand out random, irrelevant awards to contestants for the dumb, funny stuff they did during the show. (It was a short-lived segment, but if you’re so inclined, you can find these old posts under Des’ section of our blog.)

Anywho, we would like to hand out The Totally Frickin’ Brilliant Award to ABC’s casting department … because they are totally frickin’ brilliant for putting together this season’s cast. We know we’ve said this before, but we would just like to reiterate what a perfect storm of crazy this cast is. From Kelsey to Ashley S. and everyone in between, this season has captured the essence of crazy, drunk and stupid. And we have thoroughly, thoroughly enjoyed it.

Four for you, casting department. You go, casting department.

Glen Coco

Alright, on to Power Rankings we go.

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