Week 2: Boxing! Amy Schumer! Turds!

Well, Kaitlyn’s the Bachelorette.

Yeah, yeah, we knew that last week. But now that the first full night of dates is in the books, it’s officially official. Kaitlyn’s the Bachelorette and now she has to weed out the bozos from the gentleman.

That’s a high order, given the crop of guys she’s got this season. Some are lovely. Some are…not. We got a look at both ends of the spectrum this week, so let’s not waste any time with small talk. To the recap!
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Week 2: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelorette-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 25 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Week 1: Power Rankings

It was EPIC. It was DRAMATIC. It was MIND-BLOWING. It was HISTORIC.

It was also a really crappy idea.

These are all of the words that ABC used to describe the two-Bachelorette premiere this season. (Well, except for that last one about it being a crappy idea. We added that one in.)

But you know one thing that the two-Bachelorette twist is that we can all agree on? Over. It is finally over. And we are so happy.

While it didn’t end up being the worst thing in the world (this show has put us through far worse things, like Juan Pablo), it certainly wasn’t something we want them to do again. Whether you were #TeamBritt or #TeamKaitlyn doesn’t matter. It was kind of a cruel thing to pit two people against each other who are generally nice, good human beings. We felt bad for both of them, and can only imagine the insecurity, jealousy and anxiety they felt.

Kaitlyn and Britt

But more important than us being happy this is over, is us being ready to MOVE THE HECK ON. And never look back. It happened, we acknowledge it, and now we are going to forget about it (also like Juan Pablo). And now that we are moving on, that means it is time to look ahead to (and judge) the 25 meatheads vying for Kaitlyn’s affection.

We present to you our first Power Rankings of the season: One-Bachelorette Edition.

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Week 1: Is this two Bachelorette thing over yet?

We nearly quit.

For real. We considered packing it in for this whole two Bachelorette nonsense. We were that legitimately angry about this whole dumb idea. Of course, those thoughts lasted for about, oh, 25 seconds before we realized that, as much as we love to hate this show, we just can’t quit it. We will love this show until we (or it) dies, whichever comes first.

Because even though having two Bachelorettes is absolute utter shenanigans, it actually turned out kind of OK. Not OK enough that we want them to ever do it again (we’re serious: DON’T EVER DO THIS AGAIN), but OK enough that we can move on with the season and basically pretend that this whole thing never happened. That kind of OK.

So, no, we’re not going to quit this season. That might have been a little overdramatic. But you know what’s not overdramatic? Our recaps. They’re perfectly dramatic. Let’s get started:

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Week 1, Part 2: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelorette-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 25 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

Continue reading

Week 1: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelorette-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 25 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Preseason Power Rankings

Do you all remember Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette a few years ago?

Of course you do. It was literally one of the greatest seasons of this show on record. There was so much drama-starting, pot-stirring and smack-talking—and one weirdo even attempted to take Emily vampire-hunting. It was excellent.

But more important than all of that is the fact that Emily’s crop of guys were SO freaking hot. Like, we just could not even deal. She had Arie (which, oh my god), Bukowski (who may be a total skeeze, but he’s a hot skeeze), Jef, Doug Clerget, John Wolfner, Ryan Bowers (who was kind of douche-y, but still hot), and the hottest guy to ever walk the face of this earth—Sean Lowe. And then there were like, at least a dozen other hot guys whose names we cannot remember. Like the guy who kept asking Emily if she was going to eat her qui-no-a. He was hot too.

So, we can hear you asking, “Bachelor Burn Book, we like reminiscing about hot guys, but why are you taking us on this irrelevant trip down memory lane?”

We’re glad you asked. You see, the reason we’re doing this is because, since Emily’s season, we have been CRUELLY DEPRIVED of hot guys. With the exception of like, Drew Kenney and Marcus Grodd and a few others, there has been a serious lack of super hot Bachelorette contestants. Which is pretty much unacceptable. Because we want a SEA of them. All the time.

But right now, we are praising the Bachelor gods above, because this season, our wish has been granted. This year’s contestants are pretty freaking hot. I mean, we don’t know if anything can ever top Emily’s season, but we definitely had to take a few minutes to gather ourselves after drooling over seeing this season’s crop of guys.

And of course, as is tradition here at Bachelor Burn Book, we have read through all of their bios, superficially judged them and ranked them for our Preseason Power Rankings. Which is always lots of fun. So, without further ado, let the superficial judging commence! Yay!

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Chris Harrison’s Lost Survey

Those damn Bachelor Interns. Can’t they do anything right?

Let us explain. Every season, someone at ABC (we’re guessing the interns) posts cast bios for the Bachelor or Bachelorette’s potential suitors. They always include terrible headshots and corny survey questions. Sometimes, they post their answers verbatim, so we are able to figure out which contestants do not know the difference between your and you’re. This is very helpful, and we salute them for their public service.

But every year, EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN’ YEAR, those interns fail to post Chris Harrison’s survey answers. Sure, they post some long, convoluted narrative about Harrison’s rise to reality television supremacy, along with some fancy airbrushed head shot, but they never post the questions and answers. What makes Chris Harrison better than everyone else? Where is the equality? If we need to know where Joe Schmo would take a girl on a date then by golly, we should know about Harrison’s dream date too!

This year was no different. We got to know all the contestants, but Harrison was, again, a closed book. Well, not anymore. We won’t stand for it and thus, we did the work that the interns were too lazy afraid to do. We found (err…made up) Harrison’s survey answers and we have brought them forth into the light of day. We did this for you, America.

There’s no need to thank us but, seriously, you’re welcome:

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After the Final Rose: Well, that’s not ideal

Alright, folks, you have waited patiently for it, and now it is here—our After the Final Rose recap. And boy, is it going to be a doozy.

Most seasons, the After the Final Rose special is just your average, run-of-the-mill Bachelor update show. The newly-engaged couple is obnoxiously happy and PDA-ing it up on national television, Bachelor Burn Book Writer #1 cries, Chris Harrison says something skeezy, things get awkward between the Bachelor and the sad woman he rejected, and then we celebrate the announcement of the new Bachelorette!

But this time, none of that happened (except for the whole Chris Harrison saying something skeezy part, because that always happens). Everything changed. What is usually a joyous and mildly awkward occasion turned into a giant cluster. An absolute shitstorm erupted. The world exploded. Bachelor Nation lost its frickin’ mind. By the end of the episode, pretty much every person watching cared exactly zero percent about Chris and Whitney—or even remembered who they were.

And we are here to recap all the madness. Because someone has to document this two Bachelorette debacle. But first, let’s start at the beginning—you know, the 55 boring minutes of the episode.

To the recap!

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The Finale: Soulesmates

Is it just us or did this season of the Bachelor go by super fast? I mean, we can’t be the only ones who feel like it was just yesterday we were laughing about the magnificence that was Ashley S.

Actually, that might have been yesterday. We marvel at Ashley S. and her buckets of crazy quite often these days. Still, the point remains: it feels like this season went by really quickly. As we reflect on the Prince Farming edition of the Bachelor, we must admit that although this season started off in a very promising fashion (those first two installments were basically the best two of the franchise in any cycle, ever), it gave way to a lackluster finish. Eventually, the crazy ladies were weeded out (although, thankfully, it took our dear Bachelor a while to do it) and the normal ones were left. That’s fine, but it doesn’t make for a particularly interesting finale.

Nonetheless, we got what we asked for as viewers: a romantic proposal, even if it did take place in a barn that we suspect smelled like pig feces. This leaves us with just one more final task before the Book closes down shop for a few months before the Bachelorette (which, man, do we have a lot to say about THAT) begins — recapping the finale and the After the Final Rose special. We’ve broken them down into two separate posts, so make sure to come back to check out the absolute final recap of Hot Farmer Chris’ Bachelor season.

And now, the recap:
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