Week 7: Power Rankings

So, can anybody explain to us what the heck we watched on Monday night? Because we don’t have an effing clue.

That was seriously one of the most bizarre episodes we have ever seen. It felt like one giant subtweet, where everybody was talking about everybody else without anybody ever actually confronting each other. And then things just went completely off the rails, and we were sitting there like, “What are we even watching right now?”

We still do not have the answer to that question, so naturally, the only way we can describe this episode is through pictures and gifs:

regina-george-whispering

is-this-real-life

What. A. Debacle. And it’s only going to get more ridiculous next week.

But before we get too far ahead of ourselves here, let’s see how the remaining guys shake out in this week’s Power Rankings:

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Week 7: So many sadz

Remember that time Kaitlyn got down with Nick before the Fantasy Suite dates? And remember how Shawn didn’t get a rose and was going to talk to Kaitlyn about it and she was freaking out because she thought he knew about the boinking?
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Oh, you do? Good. Because that’s where this episode begins — with Kaitlyn fixin’ to word vomit everything about her night with Nick to Shawn. Lovely.

Now that we’re all on the same page, let’s get to the good stuff, shall we?
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Week 7: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelorette-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 25 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Week 6: Power Rankings

So, we’ve mentioned this before, but we feel it’s worth mentioning again:

This season has literally been the most dramatic season of The Bachelorette in the history of The Bachelorette. It has been over-the-top. Out of control. Absolutely ridiculous. THIS is what Chris Harrison has been waiting for. This is his moment.

And where is he? NOWHERE. He is nowhere to be found. He’s out on a golf course somewhere in Ireland, playing 18 holes, drinking Irish whiskey and eating shepherd’s pie.

And the one time he did show up during this week’s episode, this was literally the conversation he had with Kaitlyn:

Harrison: “Um, we haven’t had much of a chance to talk (yeah, no kidding, Harrison). I just wanted to kind of, see how you’re doing. Where’s your head?”

Kaitlyn: “This has been really crazy. Blah, blah, blah. Something about the journey being a crazy roller coaster.”

Harrison: “After tonight, we’re uh, about halfway through this thing.” (YEAH, AND WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, HARRISON?)

Kaitlyn: “Yeah, people’s feelings are involved now. Everybody’s invested, and it’s hard going into these rose ceremonies … and I don’t think it’s gonna get any easier.”

Harrison: “It won’t.”

Kaitlyn: “It truly breaks my heart to disappoint people.”

Harrison: “Well, get on in there. Good luck.”

Typical Harrison. He shows up one time, and he’s useless, as usual.

But hopefully our Power Rankings will be significantly more useful than Harrison is. But we’ll let you be the judge of that:

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Week 6: Do you have to let it linger?

Whew.

This week was one for the (Bachelor Burn) books. From Ian being a big d-bag to the boinking to Shawn’s potential exit, we literally cannot even. The fact that we were able to recover from Monday’s shenanigans in time to write this recap is just impressive. We don’t mean to toot our own horn, but toot, toot.

So, yeah. This episode might have been the most dramatic ever and, unlike someone we know Chris Harrison, we don’t throw that phrase around lightly.

Let’s dive on in, shall we?

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Week 6: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelorette-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 25 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Week 5: Power Rankings

So, maybe it’s just us, but we’re pretty sure this season has actually been the most dramatic season of The Bachelorette ever.

Chris Harrison

In fact, it’s been so dramatic that the producers have done nothing but force-feed us drama for five weeks in a row. First, it started with that whole two Bachelorette thing. That was fun. Then, once we got that in the rearview mirror (THANK GOD), we quickly moved on to LL Cool J’s never-ending episode of ‘roid rage. That took two weeks to cover, because one week just simply wasn’t sufficient.

Kupah

But once we finally got rid of him, we watched Tony have a meltdown for six hours, because all he wanted to do was go to the f*cking zoo. Thankfully, Kaitlyn was able to dispose of him pretty quickly—but don’t worry, Clint and JJ stepped up to the plate, because, you know, villains gotta vill.

And then after that came Nick and the shitshow that went along with his arrival. Oh, and then Ian decided he might as well join in on the drama too and treat Kaitlyn like a piece of garbage.

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BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE. We’re not done yet, folks! Up next: THE SEX SCANDAL. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN. And since everybody is so busy trying to figure out who it is that Kaitlyn boinks, we decided we’d add a little twist to Power Rankings this week called “Who Do We Think Kaitlyn Boinks?”

It’s pretty simple, really. Basically, we will do Power Rankings as usual, but then we will also add in a section under each guy where we will tell you whether we think she boinks him or not. Mainly because we felt like it and we thought it would be fun. So, let’s get to it!

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Week 5: The other guy

This has been a weird season.

And we’re only halfway through! From the two Bachelorette thing to the weirdness that was Tony to the discombobulated rose ceremony schedule, this Bachelorette cycle has been just a barrel of strange.

And this week wasn’t any different. Nick’s return is still rocking the boat, Ian is off his dang rocker and they had the rose ceremony at the beginning of the episode instead of the end. Who do we blame for this weirdness? Chris Harrison, of course, for no reason besides the fact that he’s Chris Harrison.

Still, we must soldier on, despite the oddities that are happening. To the recap!

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Week 5: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelorette-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 25 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Week 4: Power Rankings

Well, here we are … three weeks straight without a rose ceremony at the end of an episode. We feel like we’re lost, wandering in the wilderness, hungry and confused.

We don’t know how much longer we can go without a rose ceremony, so we have decided it’s time for drastic measures. It is time to enlist some serious help.

We’ve pooled our Monopoly money together here at Bachelor Burn Book headquarters and hired Sarah McLachlan to do a PSA to BRING THE ROSE CEREMONY BACK. And this is how it’ll go:

*Dramatic music fades in*

“Every week, an episode goes by without a rose ceremony. Bachelor Nation suffers, feeling lost, empty and outraged. Waiting for someone to save them from their misery. Hi, I’m Sarah McLachlan. Please say you’ll be the one that saves Bachelor Nation from its suffering. They need your help. Please call the number on your screen and make a pledge to put a stop to this madness. For just $1 a day, you can help bring the rose ceremony back. Your generous gift will go toward bribing the producers to get back on track. And also helping to pay the florist. If you call in the next 30 minutes, we’ll even send you a magnet with Shawn’s face on it. Please. Things are getting desperate. This is your chance to say, ‘I won’t sit back and let another week pass by without a rose ceremony.’ So call today. A dollar a day can make all the difference.”

Anyway, while we’re waiting for that to run on the air, let’s get to our latest Power Rankings, because something has to stay consistent in this world:

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