After the Final Rose: I was half a virgin when I met you!

Whew. Talk about going out with a bang.

After a wonderful finale filled with one-liners from Hy, heavy mouth-breathing (courtesy of Josh) and a beautiful proposal (also courtesy of Josh), Bachelor Nation was treated to one of the most intense, dramatic and incredibly awk After the Final Rose specials ever. And let us put particular emphasis on the word “treated,” because boy, was it a treat.

There were tales of tragic heartbreak, painfully awkward conversations and … wait for it … mentions of steamy love-making. GASP. This After the Final Rose easily ranked right up there with Juan Pablo’s and Jason Mesnick’s as one of the most dramatic ever. Congratulations, Chris Harrison. You have managed to deliver on your oft-broken promise.

Alright, time to recap the madness:

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The Finale: The Andi and Josh (and Hy) Show

IT’S HERE!

After a relatively mild Bachelorette season, we finally get to figure out if Andi is engaged or all by her lonesome in Atlanta, hanging out with Kelly Travis and leading the Plastics of Juan Pablo’s season. Wooooooooo!

Of course, we can’t just find out who Andi picks in a mere two hours. That would be shameful! Instead, we must sit through three glorious hours of crying and dramatic live interviews. In order to save the Bachelor Burn Book’s sanity, we have divided our recap into two parts. We’ll focus on the standard two hour episode here. All the hullabaloo after the proposal (i.e. the After the Final Rose) will be a separate recap.

So here we go — it’s decision time for Andi!
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The Finale: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelorette-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 25 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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The Finale: Burning Questions

It’s here! It’s here! It’s finally finale day! We’ve been waiting for this moment since, well, May!

Usually, the Bachelorette finale means we are facing five long, torturous months of Bachelor-less Mondays. It’s horrible, really. BUT NOT THIS YEAR. This year, BIP is just around the corner! Our Mondays will continue to be filled! Hallelujah!

But no matter how excited we are for the Bachelor in Paradise premiere, we must first take care of one final week of Bachelorette content. After all, Andi and her guy (whoever he may be) deserve our undivided attention for this final week of July. It’s only fair. And, naturally, we have some questions before this whole final rose ceremony thing goes down. Here’s what we’re wondering about:

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Whatever the Heck We Want: We Tell All

The first thing you smell is the roses.

When you enter the Men Tell All studio, it hits you like a brick to the face. That, you remember, is why you are here. It’s all about the roses—who got them, who didn’t and who gives them out. And since the Bachelor franchise is anything but subtle, it’s required that there’s not only roses, but dozens of them. Maybe it’s for the smell. Maybe it’s to remind all the men who are about to take the stage that they didn’t get one. Maybe it’s just because it’s The Bachelorette, duh. But either way, it makes you dang sure you didn’t stumble in to the wrong studio. You are here for Men Tell All, and men telling all is what you are going to get.

Let the fun begin.

Here’s the second thing you notice when you enter the Men Tell All studio after waiting in line, waiting in a small warehouse-like room and signing your life away if you spill one single bean about the show before it airs: the candles. There are more candles than roses and none of them are lit—because the interns obviously screwed up again. They are flameless white spheres, lonely and dark, just waiting for someone to need them, waiting for the show to need some romantic ambiance in a studio full of random viewers and 23 guys who are about to face their ex.

The studio is smaller than it looks on TV. There are probably 300 people in the audience, total—if that. This is an intimate gathering. You see the regular characters in the audience: the girls who have clearly been practicing their judge-y faces in the mirror for weeks, hoping against hope that their mugs make the cut for audience reaction shots. Then, there’s the girl who was dragged there against her will. She refuses to smile, or even participate at all. She is a warm body. There’s the guy dragged there by his girlfriend, who spends half of his time covering his face with his hands in disbelief, silently praying that this six-hour stint in this studio—surrounded by candles and roses and a bunch of girls dressed to the nines that he can’t check out because his girlfriend is there—will earn him one billion brownie points. Then, there’s the guy who is just having a blast (we had one of those next to us). He catcalls. He knows the guys and the plot lines. Does he love the show, or love his girlfriend? Who knows, but he’s a barrel of fun.

Finally, there’s us, the greatest people you will ever meet—the Bachelor Burn Book. We’d like our judge-y faces to make the final cut for the broadcast, but not in an embarrassing way. We’ve practiced them a little bit, but not for years. We’ve resolved that we are going to try our best not to dissolve into fits of giggles at inappropriate times. And we’ve also decided that we are not going to heckle Chris Harrison—no matter how difficult that might be—because we fear the worst: a visit from Tyrone the Security Guard.

There are rules, of course. We can’t discuss the show afterward. We are sworn to secrecy, practically signing away our first born child in exchange for a privileged seat in the audience. Our hair must remain full of secrets, says the audience manager. The threat is effective. We are not going to divulge any information about what any contestant said or did during the filming that Saturday in July, mainly because it would takes us 50 years to pay ABC that $5 million fee (Really. We did the math).

After being fed a quarter of a Subway sandwich and being told that bathroom breaks happen never, we were directed to our seats, which were located in the top row behind where the guys sat. Then, when we sat down, we noticed that the seats to our right were vacant—except for one. One of the chairs was occupied by a kitchen lighter … just sitting there, all by itself, waiting for us to pick it up. Nay, it was calling out to us by name. It yelled, “Bachelor Burn Book! This is your calling! Let’s go light those unlit candles.”

This was our time to shine. Here we were, in the Men Tell All studio filled with the infamous Bachelor candles, and we were SITTING NEXT TO an unattended lighter. It was like fate. I mean, these opportunities don’t just come knocking every day. We would literally be carrying the torch of Bachelor Nation.

So, Bachelor Burn Book Writer #2 leaned over to Bachelor Burn Book Writer #1 to point out the lighter. Then, just as we were debating whether to pick it up, it was swiftly taken away by a stage manager as she directed a group of women to the seats. The flame of opportunity had been extinguished as quickly as it had been lit. Womp womp, indeed. But don’t worry—even though we were not the ones to light the infamous candles, they did get lit. A few interns managed to get it together … eventually.

Once everyone had settled into their seats, it was time for the taping to begin. The stage manager explains that we must clap loudly, cheer loudly, scoff loudly … we must react to everything. Some of the girls in the audience took this direction very seriously, as if it was their life’s mission to make it on TV. They nodded and smiled and “awwww’d” at everything. It was nauseating.

The taping proceeded pretty much just as you saw it on television. There was drama and arguments and weird, awkward moments—and yes, JJ really did speak up about being attacked at the strangest time. You could feel the tension.

Another time you could feel the tension? When Ketchup raised her hand and came down on-stage to talk to Farmer Chris.

Ketchup

Judge-y faces and whispers abounded. Who was this girl? Did she really just raise her hand? What did she say? Was this staged? It was such a bizarre situation. (Side note: It was during this whisper session that we met @melgotserved without even knowing it!)

After romper girl made her appearance, Men Tell All halftime occurred. This is when we waffled about going to the bathroom for 10 minutes because the audience manager announced that if we didn’t make it back in time, we would be locked out for all of eternity. Finally, we decided to make a run for it, and barely made it out with the last group. This is when one of the girls from the group diverted from the line and started raiding the Craft Services table, which was not permitted. You can read all about that story here.

As it neared 8:30 p.m., the taping finally concluded—seven hours after we got there. We were tired, hungry and all clapped out, but we had an amazing time. And the icing on the cake was when Mr. Robert Mills introduced us to Mr. Christopher B. Harrison. This is how the magical moment happened:

Robert Mills: “Hey, Chris! You remember Bachelor Burn Book, right?”

Chris Harrison: “Who?”

Us, thinking: “Oh, thank God. He doesn’t know who we are. He doesn’t know that we call him a skeeze.”

Robert Mills: “You know, Bachelor Burn Book…”

Chris Harrison: “Oh! Yeah!”

Robert Mills: “These are the girls who run the blog.”

Chris Harrison: “Hi girls, nice to meet you. Did you enjoy the show?”

And then we shook his hand. In our minds, we were half-fangirling and half-thinking, “Oh God, he does know who we are. Hopefully he still doesn’t know that we call him a skeeze.”

Chris Harrison, if you know that we call you a skeeze, it’s all in good fun. Please don’t hate us. And thanks for shaking our hands.

Well, that’s it, folks. That’s our story. We made it through the taping without getting thrown out by Tyrone the Security Guard or getting sued by ABC for $5 million afterward. Now that’s a successful trip in our Burn Book.

Want more Bachelor Burn Book? Follow us on Twitter @bachelorburnbk. We live tweet during every episode and offer our insights throughout the week on all things Bachelor-related.

Images on this blog are the property of ABC or their respectful owners.

Men Tell All: Ketchup ruins everything

It’s Men Tell All time—our favorite episode of the season! It’s filled with man tears, pointless arguments and people talking over each other for two hours. What could be better?!

And this year, we were lucky enough to be there live as it all went down! And really, it was one of the strangest Tell Alls we’ve seen in a while. So what weirdness went down on this super-duper special edition of The Bachelorette Men Tell All?

Well, let’s get to it, shall we? Time to get weird…

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Men Tell All: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelorette-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 25 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Men Tell All: Burning Questions

We actually don’t have many Burning Questions about the Men Tell All this season.

Maybe that’s because we kind of know what happens (and we can’t say anything about it). Or maybe (and most likely) it’s because there really wasn’t too much drama this year, outside of a couple brush-ups involving JJ (and one serious one between Marquel and Andrew). Otherwise, there wasn’t really a villain, like Tierra or Courtney. There wasn’t anyone who got busted for having a girlfriend or various other douchebaggy things, like Brian or James. When it comes to drama, this season was kind of … boring. It was funny. It was sweet. But Andi had a group of pretty solid men to choose from, which was great for her and reunion specials.

Nevertheless, we’re still gonna do Burning Questions this week because, well, we’re curious people and we’ll always have questions about SOMETHING. But this week, they might be less about Men Tell All (or things that we hope get answered during Monday’s episode) and more about how the season wraps. Basically, we don’t want to get sued by ABC for 5 million dollars, so here’s a bunch of random questions that may be answered one day, but not necessarily tonight.

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Whatever the Heck We Want: Our Best Stories from LA

Whew, what a week! After months of waiting and anticipation, the Bachelor Burn Book writers finally ventured out to California this past week for the Men Tell All taping. With an actual, real-life Burn Book in hand, we were ready to take LA by storm—and what actually happened was LA ended up taking us by storm. We are pooped.

Even though we feel a little tired and jet-lagged, we had a spectacularly wonderful time gallivanting around Los Angeles, going Kardashian hunting (which was ultimately not a successful venture) and, of course, going to the Men Tell All taping. We probably looked like idiot tourists for most of it, but whatevs. We were having a good ol’ time.

Now that we’ve returned, obvs we have some entertaining stories to share—because, of course, it’s never a dull moment when you’re with the Bachelor Burn Book writers. We could probably share dozens upon dozens of stories from our trip, but we decided to boil it down to our top three—because you would be reading this forever and, also, we are tired.

Enjoy!

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Week 8: Power Rankings

We are back, folks! After a fun (and crazy) week in Los Angeles filled with general shenanigans that involved us acting like moron tourists, we have returned home to Bachelor Burn Book headquarters to resume our duties as judgmental, snarky bloggers. Yay! (P.S. Keep an eye out for a blog post later this week on all of our entertaining stories from our trip to LA).

Anyway, we are supa happy to be back because, obvs, we totes missed you guys. We felt so empty and lost when we couldn’t tweet with you all on Monday (but that also could’ve been because we were hungry and stuck on the longest bus ride of our lives). But we’re going to choose to believe it was because we weren’t live tweeting.

Thankfully, now that we’ve returned to our natural habitat, we can fill that feeling of emptiness—and what better way to do that than with our Power Rankings! We’re down to the final two (already?!), and Andi’s got a tough decision to make (well, kind of—guess it depends on who you ask).

So naturally, we are here as a beacon of light to help make Andi’s decision a little easier for her—even though she already made her decision like, three months ago. Whatevs. We’re going to offer our opinions anyway. Here ya go, Andi (and everyone else):

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