The Bachelor Burn Book writers are feeling a little feisty this week. Like, feistier than normal. After everything that went down between Juan Pabs and Andi, we just want to put our sassy pants on and rant about what a butthead Juan Pablo is.
And apparently, we aren’t the only ones who feel this way. Because on Tuesday night, the Twitter Machine nearly exploded. Everyone seemed to be outraged over what a jerk Juan Pablo is. Even some of the women from his own season were tweeting about how much Juan Pablo sucks.
So, all of this talk (and pent-up sassiness) got us thinking…
With Women Tell All on Monday, we thought we’d equip the women with some insults to hurl at Juan Pabs during the show. (Yes, we know they already filmed the special. But just humor us and pretend like it hasn’t been filmed yet.) But these aren’t just any plain old insults. These are special insults you use when calling Juan Pablo a shallow jerk or a self-centered toolbag just isn’t doing the trick. They’re the kind of insults that will make the women in the live audience be all like:
So, where did we get these insults from? Well, movies, of course. We’ve taken the five best insults from some of our favorite flicks and put them into a neat little list for the women to use during the show.
You are welcome, women of The Bachelor.
5. The Princess Bride: “I’ll explain and I’ll use small words so that you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.”[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klbBVtveyL8]
This quote is perfect. Just, freaking perfect. It like, pretty much sums up Juan Pablo’s entire season in one sentence.
4. Mean Girls: “You are not sweet! You’re a scum-sucking road whore. You ruined our lives!”[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4wB4qEGq3s]
What would this list be without an insult from Mean Girls? Useless, that’s what.
We really, really hope someone calls Juan Pablo out for being a life-ruiner. Because that’s what he does. He ruins people’s lives.
3. Step Brothers: “I’m going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you.”[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_Sk-pz8kFU]
This isn’t exactly an insult, per se. It’s more of a threat, but whatevs. It’s an insulting threat. So it counts.
Plus, it would pretty much be the most awesome thing ever if someone actually said this to Pabs. Or if it actually happened. That would be even funnier.
2. Anchorman: “I will have you know that I have more intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire body, sir.”[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAc_AM5UOjU]
If any of the women are looking to hurl insults rapid fire, the war of words between Ron Burgundy and Veronica Corningstone has at least 10 different barbs they can use. There are so many gems in this scene. Just, so many. It was hard to choose just one, so we thought we’d include a few more zingers. You know, just to have options.
“You are not a man. You are a big fat joke.”
“You’re just a
woman man with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It’s science.”
“You are a smelly pirate hooker.”
“Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?”
And then, to stay true to the movie, whichever woman is hurling the insults would have to throw a typewriter at Juan Pablo and whack him repeatedly with an antenna.
Because that’s the only way to do it.
And finally, the bestest, most epic Juan Pablo insult is…
1. Billy Madison: “What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTc–4jz0GQ]
Best. Insult. Of. All. Time. Juan Pablo would be speechless … as speechless as he was when Andi dropped some knowledge on him about his religion.
It would be epic. Insanely epic. If no one uses this insult (Kelly, we’re lookin’ at you), we are applying for the show just so we can say it to somebody.
But of course, folks, no matter what the insult is (with the exception of that last one, maybe), we all know what Juan Pablo’s response would be.
Say it with us…
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