The Finale: Thank God that’s over

Wow. Just wow.

This is easily the most dramatic, redonkulous, jaw-dropping, unbelievable finale of The Bachelor that we’ve seen in years. Usually, we, the Bachelor Burn Book writers, always have something to say. Always. But on Monday night, that was not the case. Minutes would go by without us saying a single word to each other because our mouths were completely ajar. Just, hanging wide open, as we sat there in disbelief at what was unfolding on our TV screen.

Thankfully, we’ve had a few days to partially recover from the madness that was The Bachelor Finale, so hopefully, we’ll be able to put together a few coherent sentences for this recap. We is going to try our best.

Join us, as we relive the very strange, horrible, confusing nightmare that we all watched on Monday night…

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Women Tell All: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 27 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Women Tell All: Burning Questions

Thank God Juan Pablo is the Bachelor.

Yes, you read that right. We are actually thankful that Juan Pablo is the Bachelor. Why? Because Women Tell All would be hella boring if he wasn’t. Without him, whom would all the women direct their anger toward tonight? It certainly wouldn’t be at each other because they basically all became BFFs and sang Kumbaya by the Bachelor Mansion pool together every day. Soo, that pretty much eliminates the possibility of any major fighting between the women during the show. Womp womp.

Thankfully, that’s where Juan Pablo comes in. For the first time in probably, well … forever, the women of this show will stop calling each other sluts and whores and collectively direct their anger toward the man they all had originally hoped to fall in love with (or at least makeout with). My, oh my, how quickly things have changed.

Since Juan Pablo seems to have pissed off most of the women, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Women Tell All has been saved. The drama lives on. Tears will be shed, and hatred will be spewed. Hallelujah!

Could you imagine if these girls had all ended up on Sean Lowe’s season? There would be crickets tonight. Nobody would have anything rude or insensitive to say—to each other or to the Bachelor—which means there would be NO JUDGE-Y FACES from the audience. THE HORROR. The producers would have to start spreading fake rumors just so that something interesting would happen. But, thankfully, we are not in that dreadful situation. So, to get you prepared for all the dramz that is sure to unfold, here are our Burning Questions for tonight’s Women Tell All:

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Week 7: Power Rankings

So…that fight between Clare and Nikki wasn’t exactly the most dramatic that we’ve ever seen on this show.

No one was sent to her cot. Neither of the fighters ended up getting sent home. In a word: boring.

So, yeah, this episode didn’t give us a lot of the things that we were promised. It did, however, give us a lot of side-eye and a clear front-runner heading into the hometown dates.

And we’re OK with that, because every girl can appreciate a heaping helping of side-eye, and the clear front-runner thing made this week’s Power Rankings edition really easy. So, yay, we guess.
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Week 7: Awkward dance moves, awkward silences and awkward everything

Jambo!

This week on Juan Pablo’s international journey to find love, the group heads to … Miami? Wait, what kind of international destination is that?

Welp, I guess that’s about as close as you can get to “international” in ‘Merica. So, off to Mee-ami they go! Anywho, we’ve got lots to get to, so let’s get started:

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Week 7: Burning Questions

It’s #BachelorMonday, y’all! And today, on this #BachelorMonday, we are particularly excited—because it’s going down (we’re yelling timberrrrr). And it’s about time! We love a good throwdown on this show—especially when we haven’t had one ALL SEASON LONG. Like, what gives, producers? It’s Week 7. Why has no one gotten scrappy yet? Where are the fights? Why hasn’t anyone had to hold someone else’s earrings? We have been deprived of this for far too long!

But tonight, the wait comes to an end. The throwdown is coming. Insults will be hurled. Tears will be shed. Oh, what fun!

Speaking of the drama…

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Week 6: Power Rankings

It seems that our intro for Power Rankings has somehow morphed into the “let’s talk about how much we dislike Juan Pablo” weekly rant. Sorry ‘bout it. We’ve been a little rough on him lately, so I guess we’ll (begrudgingly) take it down a notch this week.

Since we’ve been so focused on how much Juan Pablo sucks, we haven’t stopped to realize that he’s actually got a really good group of girls. Think about it. Not one of them sucks as much as he does. The closest thing we’ve got to a villain is Nikki, who, if you ask us, isn’t really much of a villain at all. She just likes to put her sassy pants on every now and then. And Clare, sure, she’s a little crazy, but she’s really not all that bad. And everyone else we can think of is pretty much normal (well, by The Bachelor’s standards anyway). That is a rare occurrence on this show. A rare occurrence, indeed.

It’s just too bad that they can’t see through Juan Pablo’s BS—or “charm” as some people might call it. I mean, for the love of God, he rotates the same five lines and then sticks his tongue down their throats. Does nobody see what is happening here?! Apparently not, because all the women look like this every time they see him:

helga-hey-arnold

Welp, I guess our hopes of a walkout have been dashed.

Ohhhh and wouldya look at that … we ended up ranting about Juan Pabs anyway. Oh well.

Alright, enough with the ranting. Let’s get to the rankings.

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Week 6: Ogo, he didn’t!

Juan Pablo is full of crap…or at least, he likes to throw it at people.

Our beloved (well, kind of) Bachelor started his road to redemption this week after his debacle with Clare in Vietnam, but he’s still got a long way to go. Can he get back in America’s good graces? We’re not sure, but the first step is always the hardest. Here’s how Juan Pablo started doing some damage control:

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Week 6: Burning Questions

Wow, we just realized that it’s already Week 6! Can you believe it? We are already six weeks in to this season, and Juan Pablo is no closer to finding a woman to wife up. At least that’s how it feels anyway … probably because everything Juan Pablo does either: a) makes no sense, or b) is stupid.

Aaand this is the reason why we have so many questions. So, without further ado, let’s get to the part of the post where we wonder why Juan Pablo makes so many stupid decisions. We present to you our Week 6 Burning Questions:

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Week 5: Power Rankings

This show has gone completely off the rails. We have no idea what to make of this circus anymore. Every week, we just sit there like:

For realz, can somebody please tell us what in God’s name Juan Pablo is thinking in that little head of his (the one above his shoulders, not below his belt)? Seriously, he sends mixed signals better than our 8th grade kind-of boyfriends who couldn’t decide if they wanted to go to the school dance with us or not. It’s confusing. And frustrating. And annoying. (We’re talking about Juan Pablo, not our 8th grade kind-of boyfriends. Well, they were frustrating at one point too, but we’ve pretty much gotten over that by now.)

At this point, we’re past the whole language barrier thing. This is just him being an idiot. He’ll kiss the women, then he won’t. He says one thing at the beginning of the episode, and he’s doing something else by the end. He decides it’s a good idea to boink Clare in the ocean, and the next day, he regrets it. His thought process makes about as much sense as ours does after we’ve had a few too many vodka tonics. (Like, this one time, we decided to eat at this place called Del Taco at 3 a.m. after a night of drinking. BAD IDEA.)

Anyway, thanks to Juan Pablo’s mixed signals and loads of BS, we’ve basically got no idea how to rank these women. But whatevs. We’ll give it our best shot.

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