Week 2: Drunk in the pool

Being on the Bachelor/Bachelorette seems like a pretty sweet gig.

Think about it. You get to hang out, date a cute dude (or, in the guys’ case, dudette), drink all the booze you want, meet a ton of awesome people, travel around the world and attend all the cool Bachelor Nation reunion events. Who wouldn’t want to do that for a few weeks?

And yet, every season, there’s that one yokester who throws all of this away. They get obliterated, embarrass themselves on national television and get sent home in a veil of shame. This season, that yokester lost his marbles in Week 2. It was awesome (for us) and embarrassing (for him), but we’ll get to that later.

Let’s get recappin’, ‘cause you know what else is a pretty sweet gig? Writing Bachelorette recaps.
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Week 1: Power Rankings

Oh, happy day! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and we are back! Another season of The Bachelorette has begun, which means we’ve got 25 new guys to judge. Hooray, our favorite pastime!

If you’re new here, welcome to Power Rankings! If you’re not new here, welcome to Power Rankings! Before we get started, we’d like to point out something new we’ve added to this segment this season — the contestants’ occupations. We did this because Bachelor Burn Book writer #2’s mom kept complaining that we needed to add the contestants’ jobs because that’s the only way she can remember who’s who. Seriously, when she watches the show, this is what she sounds like:

“Who is that? Who’s Joe? I don’t remember Joe. What does Joe do? …OHHH, HE’S THE ICE CREAM TRUCK DRIVER. I remember him now! Wait … who’s Greg?”

So, here ya go, Bachelor Burn Book writer #2’s mom (and all of Bachelor Nation). We present to you our Week 1 Power Rankings (job titles included):

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The Finale: Thank God that’s over

Wow. Just wow.

This is easily the most dramatic, redonkulous, jaw-dropping, unbelievable finale of The Bachelor that we’ve seen in years. Usually, we, the Bachelor Burn Book writers, always have something to say. Always. But on Monday night, that was not the case. Minutes would go by without us saying a single word to each other because our mouths were completely ajar. Just, hanging wide open, as we sat there in disbelief at what was unfolding on our TV screen.

Thankfully, we’ve had a few days to partially recover from the madness that was The Bachelor Finale, so hopefully, we’ll be able to put together a few coherent sentences for this recap. We is going to try our best.

Join us, as we relive the very strange, horrible, confusing nightmare that we all watched on Monday night…

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Women Tell All: Tweet Roundup

What’s the difference between a regular old reality show and a national phenomenon? Twitter traffic, of course. No Monday night Bachelor-viewing session is complete without perusing Twitter for instant analysis and opinions of the 27 contestants who are vying for love. But who has time to comb every inch of the web for the wittiest comments? We do. Here they are, in one neat little package.

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Women Tell All: Burning Questions

Thank God Juan Pablo is the Bachelor.

Yes, you read that right. We are actually thankful that Juan Pablo is the Bachelor. Why? Because Women Tell All would be hella boring if he wasn’t. Without him, whom would all the women direct their anger toward tonight? It certainly wouldn’t be at each other because they basically all became BFFs and sang Kumbaya by the Bachelor Mansion pool together every day. Soo, that pretty much eliminates the possibility of any major fighting between the women during the show. Womp womp.

Thankfully, that’s where Juan Pablo comes in. For the first time in probably, well … forever, the women of this show will stop calling each other sluts and whores and collectively direct their anger toward the man they all had originally hoped to fall in love with (or at least makeout with). My, oh my, how quickly things have changed.

Since Juan Pablo seems to have pissed off most of the women, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Women Tell All has been saved. The drama lives on. Tears will be shed, and hatred will be spewed. Hallelujah!

Could you imagine if these girls had all ended up on Sean Lowe’s season? There would be crickets tonight. Nobody would have anything rude or insensitive to say—to each other or to the Bachelor—which means there would be NO JUDGE-Y FACES from the audience. THE HORROR. The producers would have to start spreading fake rumors just so that something interesting would happen. But, thankfully, we are not in that dreadful situation. So, to get you prepared for all the dramz that is sure to unfold, here are our Burning Questions for tonight’s Women Tell All:

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Week 7: Power Rankings

So…that fight between Clare and Nikki wasn’t exactly the most dramatic that we’ve ever seen on this show.

No one was sent to her cot. Neither of the fighters ended up getting sent home. In a word: boring.

So, yeah, this episode didn’t give us a lot of the things that we were promised. It did, however, give us a lot of side-eye and a clear front-runner heading into the hometown dates.

And we’re OK with that, because every girl can appreciate a heaping helping of side-eye, and the clear front-runner thing made this week’s Power Rankings edition really easy. So, yay, we guess.
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Week 7: Awkward dance moves, awkward silences and awkward everything

Jambo!

This week on Juan Pablo’s international journey to find love, the group heads to … Miami? Wait, what kind of international destination is that?

Welp, I guess that’s about as close as you can get to “international” in ‘Merica. So, off to Mee-ami they go! Anywho, we’ve got lots to get to, so let’s get started:

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Week 7: Burning Questions

It’s #BachelorMonday, y’all! And today, on this #BachelorMonday, we are particularly excited—because it’s going down (we’re yelling timberrrrr). And it’s about time! We love a good throwdown on this show—especially when we haven’t had one ALL SEASON LONG. Like, what gives, producers? It’s Week 7. Why has no one gotten scrappy yet? Where are the fights? Why hasn’t anyone had to hold someone else’s earrings? We have been deprived of this for far too long!

But tonight, the wait comes to an end. The throwdown is coming. Insults will be hurled. Tears will be shed. Oh, what fun!

Speaking of the drama…

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Week 6: Power Rankings

It seems that our intro for Power Rankings has somehow morphed into the “let’s talk about how much we dislike Juan Pablo” weekly rant. Sorry ‘bout it. We’ve been a little rough on him lately, so I guess we’ll (begrudgingly) take it down a notch this week.

Since we’ve been so focused on how much Juan Pablo sucks, we haven’t stopped to realize that he’s actually got a really good group of girls. Think about it. Not one of them sucks as much as he does. The closest thing we’ve got to a villain is Nikki, who, if you ask us, isn’t really much of a villain at all. She just likes to put her sassy pants on every now and then. And Clare, sure, she’s a little crazy, but she’s really not all that bad. And everyone else we can think of is pretty much normal (well, by The Bachelor’s standards anyway). That is a rare occurrence on this show. A rare occurrence, indeed.

It’s just too bad that they can’t see through Juan Pablo’s BS—or “charm” as some people might call it. I mean, for the love of God, he rotates the same five lines and then sticks his tongue down their throats. Does nobody see what is happening here?! Apparently not, because all the women look like this every time they see him:

helga-hey-arnold

Welp, I guess our hopes of a walkout have been dashed.

Ohhhh and wouldya look at that … we ended up ranting about Juan Pabs anyway. Oh well.

Alright, enough with the ranting. Let’s get to the rankings.

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Week 6: Ogo, he didn’t!

Juan Pablo is full of crap…or at least, he likes to throw it at people.

Our beloved (well, kind of) Bachelor started his road to redemption this week after his debacle with Clare in Vietnam, but he’s still got a long way to go. Can he get back in America’s good graces? We’re not sure, but the first step is always the hardest. Here’s how Juan Pablo started doing some damage control:

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